Well, tomorrow's it! My last day at the retail job...at least this particular retail job. Good chance I'll end up with another one, although that's against the plan. The plan is to branch out into something completely different. But as we all know, our resumes handcuff us into monatany. When the money gets tight and the "something completely different" is dragging its heels, it's time to dust off the retail-heavy resume and start again. This time around though, I hope to use my retail experience as a back-up plan and not the meat and potatoes for what it is I end up doing.
Oh man, what am I going to end up doing tomorrow?? Will I absolutely lose it on a customer? Multiple customers?? I'd like to think that I'm a little more mature than that... I'd like to think...
One thing that I've learned this time around in the retail universe is apathy equals success. The less I care, the better the mood I'm in. The better the mood I'm in, the better I am at my retail job. When I'm good at my retail job, not caring, getting shit done, and still blatently making fun of customers to their faces, everyone's happy. Even the customers whom are getting made fun of, because they're too stupid to realize they're being made fun of.
One other thing that I've learned from the retail universe is that not just customers in my store are stupid. Everyone is stupid. In a room of 18 random people, I'd suspect that four might be normal and suitable to talk to and possibly befriend. The other twelve, stupid. It's science.
If I end up freaking out tomorrow or saying something that I normally might regret, due to damaging my job security, I'll let you know.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tweeter Update.
I haven't blogged lately. Sorry about that. I've been "tweeting" for some reason--probably because when a customer does something stupid, I can post it immediately. But I don't even follow Twitter so I'm not positive why I've been exclusive to it lately.
At any rate, for those of you that don't follow Twitter, here are my latest "tweets" (I hate this terminology).
Idiot Customer: "I bought this shirt the other day. It's too hot to wear on a day like today. Why do they make them so heavy?"
My employee says, while fitting a backpack on a customer, "First I need you to--" Customer interrupts, "--take my shirt off?" "No."
At any rate, for those of you that don't follow Twitter, here are my latest "tweets" (I hate this terminology).
Idiot Customer: "I bought this shirt the other day. It's too hot to wear on a day like today. Why do they make them so heavy?"
My employee says, while fitting a backpack on a customer, "First I need you to--" Customer interrupts, "--take my shirt off?" "No."
A customer just asked me to "assemble an outfit" for her. I am officially in the wrong business.
Guy comes in to exchange his backpack, unzips it and a gigantic bag of weed falls out. "Oh, there it is! I thought I lost it!" He's happy
Horribly Mean & Stupid Woman on Phone: "Where are you located?" Me: "1200 Pearl St, Boulder" HM&SW: "That means absolutely nothing to me!"
"I want to buy this for my son, but I want him to grow into it. Will it fit him in 3 yrs? 5 yrs??" Fmj.
You will never hear me say, "What a beautiful day outside. I think I'll go to the mall and shop all day." I am apparently in the minority.
"Where are your shirts for walking?"
,,
Monday, June 11, 2012
Monday.
A conversation between one of my employees (we'll call him Lonnie) and a customer that just happened while Lonnie was fitting him for a backpack.
Lonnie: "Ok, I just need you to--"
*Interruption*
Customer: "--take my shirt off?" he quickly says with 100% sincerity.
Lonnie: "No. Point to your hip bones."
Customer: "Oh...okay." said with extreme disappointment.
Also, I have a Twitter account now so I can tweet about dipshits from my phone. It's @matttodd51.
Lonnie: "Ok, I just need you to--"
*Interruption*
Customer: "--take my shirt off?" he quickly says with 100% sincerity.
Lonnie: "No. Point to your hip bones."
Customer: "Oh...okay." said with extreme disappointment.
Also, I have a Twitter account now so I can tweet about dipshits from my phone. It's @matttodd51.
Monday, June 4, 2012
47.
7:55pm
I was preparing for my store to close in five minutes. Of course, there were several people gawking around, oblivious to the fact that we were, in fact, getting ready to shut down. No big deal. I go around to each customer and politely give them a "heads up" that we were getting ready to close for the night, otherwise they would loiter for hours and somehow multiply while they were in there. Every customer was completely surprised but okay with that news. "Oh, you're closing? Guess I'll have to come back when I have more time to shop! Hahahahaha!" Blah Blah Blah, yeah whatever. Just leave.
8:00pm
As 8pm rolls around, I turn off the music (actually, I turn it way up for a second to get everyone's attention, then abruptly shut it off) and lock the doors (loudly, as in rattling the doors and clicking the locks several times). Unfortunately, two more people had snuck in before 8, so after locking up, I let them know what's going on too. This is the busiest the store has been in eight hours of work today.
8:04pm
Most everyone slides out within a minute or two. A couple people buy some shit. A kid and his dad ask me to "explain each backpack to them". I fly through my spiel hastily, but professionally. They're satisfied, and they get that it's time to go. They are the next to last to leave. No big deal. But there's one lady, she's got half the store in the dressing room, trying it all on, trying to decide which crap (that I'm sure she doesn't need) to buy.
8:10pm
She was actually the first person that I told that we were closing, because I saw her with 47 garments heading towards the fitting room. An enormous mound of clothes in her arms--literally looks like one of everything. Tried to nip that one in the bud--apparently it didn't work. I'm starting to get severley annoyed--but I'm still composed, professional, and polite.
8:18pm
I guess some things didn't fit or she wasn't too keen on the colors, 'cause now instead of trying shit on, she's back to shopping. There are literally 47 pieces of clothing in the dressing room. I ask, "Would you like me to start putting some of these back?"
"No, I haven't decided which ones I'm keeping yet." She continues shopping in a silent, empty store with two employees staring at her.
Super.
8:32pm
This is getting ridiculous. Ten minutes is about all I'll give someone before I start becoming not their friend. "Ma'am, we're shut down for the night. We open back up at 10am. I can hold some of that stuff until tomorrow if you like?"
She becomes annoyed that I am rushing her. Apparently this woman thinks that since she is a paying customer that she can dictate her own hours of operation. She starts sighing loudly so I can hear her. I don't care.
8:38pm
She ends up buying four out of the 47 pieces that she tried on. Not a word was said during the tranaction.
I now have to put back 43 pieces of clothing.
8:49pm
I leave work, aggravated.
My store is open for ten hours during the day. 10 o'clock in the AM to 8 o'clock in the PM. If you can't make it in to buy your shit within that time frame, then please go fuck yourself.
The End.
I was preparing for my store to close in five minutes. Of course, there were several people gawking around, oblivious to the fact that we were, in fact, getting ready to shut down. No big deal. I go around to each customer and politely give them a "heads up" that we were getting ready to close for the night, otherwise they would loiter for hours and somehow multiply while they were in there. Every customer was completely surprised but okay with that news. "Oh, you're closing? Guess I'll have to come back when I have more time to shop! Hahahahaha!" Blah Blah Blah, yeah whatever. Just leave.
8:00pm
As 8pm rolls around, I turn off the music (actually, I turn it way up for a second to get everyone's attention, then abruptly shut it off) and lock the doors (loudly, as in rattling the doors and clicking the locks several times). Unfortunately, two more people had snuck in before 8, so after locking up, I let them know what's going on too. This is the busiest the store has been in eight hours of work today.
8:04pm
Most everyone slides out within a minute or two. A couple people buy some shit. A kid and his dad ask me to "explain each backpack to them". I fly through my spiel hastily, but professionally. They're satisfied, and they get that it's time to go. They are the next to last to leave. No big deal. But there's one lady, she's got half the store in the dressing room, trying it all on, trying to decide which crap (that I'm sure she doesn't need) to buy.
8:10pm
She was actually the first person that I told that we were closing, because I saw her with 47 garments heading towards the fitting room. An enormous mound of clothes in her arms--literally looks like one of everything. Tried to nip that one in the bud--apparently it didn't work. I'm starting to get severley annoyed--but I'm still composed, professional, and polite.
8:18pm
I guess some things didn't fit or she wasn't too keen on the colors, 'cause now instead of trying shit on, she's back to shopping. There are literally 47 pieces of clothing in the dressing room. I ask, "Would you like me to start putting some of these back?"
"No, I haven't decided which ones I'm keeping yet." She continues shopping in a silent, empty store with two employees staring at her.
Super.
8:32pm
This is getting ridiculous. Ten minutes is about all I'll give someone before I start becoming not their friend. "Ma'am, we're shut down for the night. We open back up at 10am. I can hold some of that stuff until tomorrow if you like?"
She becomes annoyed that I am rushing her. Apparently this woman thinks that since she is a paying customer that she can dictate her own hours of operation. She starts sighing loudly so I can hear her. I don't care.
8:38pm
She ends up buying four out of the 47 pieces that she tried on. Not a word was said during the tranaction.
I now have to put back 43 pieces of clothing.
8:49pm
I leave work, aggravated.
My store is open for ten hours during the day. 10 o'clock in the AM to 8 o'clock in the PM. If you can't make it in to buy your shit within that time frame, then please go fuck yourself.
The End.
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