The Helpless.

The helpless customer has graced me with their presence more times than I can count--three or four times today alone. It would get redundant to single each one of them out. So in order to bitch about them efficiently and effectively, I have decided to use diagrams to punctuate their worthlessness and group them all into one category.

It doesn't matter how many signs you have advertising a particular item, or how clear and simple the price tag is, the helpless customer has zero idea how much it is.  They typically hold the item in their hand while staring at the price tag when asking how much it is.  Or on occasion, they won't even bother looking at the price tag--apparently yelling at me from across the store, "Sir!  How much are these??" is easier than trying to decipher this mystery on their own.

Also, the helpless customer is too stupid and/or lazy to get their own size.  This particular customer is usually an older woman for some reason (the diagram doesn't depict the customer well).

My normal response to these customers is patronizing them, pointing out the clear and obvious to them in a tone that you would speak to a child in. 

If there is any shadow of a doubt that the customer might have reason to ask these questions (ie: multiple prices, no price tag, sizes are missing, etc.) I will do my job and politely answer said question.  But if they're just being lazy and stupid, I will treat them that way.  This has gotten me in trouble, most recently a couple weeks ago when a lady (who may have been retarded) said that I was getting "flippity" with her.

Retarded Lady: "How much is this jacket?"  While holding the price tag in her hand.

Me: "Well let me take a look at that PRICE TAG and I can tell you." Reaching for the price tag in her hand.  "Looks like the PRICE TAG reads $20."

Retarded Lady:  "Okay, can I see a medium?"

Me:  "Sure.  Let me just reach over here on the rack right next to you and grab one for you."  I am severely annoyed that she not only asks me to get a size for her, but also hands me the small jacket that she already has in her hand.  She is between me and the rack.  I have to ask her to "excuse me" so I can get her size.  I hand it to her.

Retarded Lady:  "Can I call my daughter?"

Me:  "Huh?"

Retarded Lady:  "Do you mind if I call my daughter?"

Me:  "Are you asking if you can use the store phone?"

Retarded Lady:  "No.  I have a cell phone."

Me:  Laughing, "You can call whoever you want."

Retarded Lady:  "I'm sensing that you're getting flippity with me!"

Me:  "I don't know what that means."

Retarded Lady:  "Flippity.  I'm sensing a flippity tone."

Me:  "Still...  Not sure what that is.  But if you're offended, I apologize.  I'm just saying that if you are wanting to call somebody on your cell phone for some reason all of a sudden, I'm not going to stop you.  You really don't need to ask my permission."  I walk away.

I digress.  This conversation actually happened.  I wish I could do it justice--it truly was remarkable.

This is just a sampling of The Helpless.  They come in many different forms that we'll discuss at another time.

Now please enjoy this clip from Clerks.

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